Loki Knows Victoria's Secret
by PhantomHeiress
Summary: Thor convinces his brother to do the unspeakable: Go to Midgard to shop for underwear. One-Shot, Rated T for car thievery, a random civilian death, and Loki's bare skin.
1. Chapter 1

A ridiculous idea of mine that came up in the middle of the night when I was with some friends. You can tell that it's going to be ridiculous. Read and review, if you survive to the end. XD And if you survive to the end, you'll get an imaginary handshake from me.

**TO THE STORY!**

"Loki! Loki, brother!" Thor's burly frame stampeded around the Asgardian palace. He stopped short at an intersection between corridors, puffed out his chest, and scanned the area for his brother. Nothing moved. Until a black and green blur rushed at the end of one corridor to escape.

"LOKI!" Thor declared. "LOKI! LOKI! WHY ARE YOU RUNNING?" And he could only think to run after him until Loki was pinned up against the wall with no where to go.

"What do you want with me, Thor?" Loki gasped, pressing his thin frame against the wall. "Why can you never leave me in peace?"

"Loki." Thor got unusually close to Loki. Why did he get unusually close to Loki? He could feel Thor's breath on his neck. "I need your assistance. I must go down to Midgard." There was a long pause. Loki's face was stuck in permanent cringe.

"What for?" Loki asked slowly. Obviously Thor needed prompting to talk more.

"Underwear."

Loki flailed one arm. Only one. His other was pinned by Thor to the wall. But flailing one arm got his message across. "WHAT?"

"Yes. I hear there is a superior market down there called 'Wal Mart' where underwear shopping is common." Thor blinked slowly. "We may even stop by a store called 'Cost Company' where I hear they serve many trays of delicacies."

"You mean samples?"

"Yes. Many of them." Thor didn't back away from Loki at all. There must have been only a pinky's length between them. And he wondered why Loki tried to run. But Thor only gripped him in one monstrous hand with confusion.

"Brother, you wish not to accompany me?" Thor asked. Loki ceased his squirming and looked up at Thor in pure horror. He gripped onto his hand and said, in the most obvious way –

"Absolutely not." And then, "Let me go, you tremendous blundering oaf. I can feel the stupidity streaming out of your ears." Which wasn't too much of an over-exaggeration.

"Brother, I will make it worth your while." Thor's begging actually made Loki reconsider.

"How so?"

"I hear there are things called 'prostitutes', and I think I could get one for –"

"NO!" The sound of Loki slapping Thor upside face echoed through the chambers. Odin looked up from his table, listened for a moment until the vibrations of the slap went away, and then went back to writing. "How thick is your skull?"

"Brother, can I not give you anything that will let you accompany me?" Thor pleaded again. "I can get you a human car, or a cat. You seem like a feline person. Everyone else thinks so, too."

"When do you sit down and talk to others about what animal I appear to look like?"

"All the time, brother."

"That's horrifying. Don't do that ever again."

Thor finally released his grip of Loki, who sniffed and brushed off his robes. He straightened his collar. "So you say something about cars?" Loki asked. "Can I have a Mustang?"

"Yes, brother, I can purchase you a Mustang." Thor was desperate for any way to get Loki to agree. Even if he had to sell his soul to him. Hopefully it wouldn't get to that, because Thor had never had to deal without a soul before and it didn't seem fun.

"No, I would like to steal one. Can we do that?" Loki picked at the skin on his thumb, trying to look innocent to manipulate his overly idiotic brother. It worked like a charm. Not like that was very difficult.

"Yes! We will steal a car!" Thor proclaimed to the heavens, and then raised Mjolnir to call upon the lighting and thunder to celebrate this achievement. But Loki slapped his arm down before the clouds could gather too much.

"Don't do that. That gets so annoying."

"But you will accompany me to shop for mortal underwear?" One wouldn't expect to see a mass of muscle and stupidity bounce with excitement, but that was exactly what Thor did. And it looked just as stupid as you would imagine. It looked three times stupider than you just imagined it in your head.

Almost as stupid as putting a hippo in a tutu. That's stupid.

"Well." Loki bit his bottom lip. What was he getting himself into? Surely it couldn't be so bad? And he would get to thieve a car, after all. "Fine. But no more summoning the thunder. And stop being stupid. If that doesn't take too much of your energy. I'll go pack my things."

**xXxXx**

Midgard sucked just as bad as Loki remembered it sucking. He hated this planet with a passion deep within his soul. A patch in his heart warmed when he imagined himself blowing it up. The matter flying into odd ends of the universe, the ocean creatures wailing with no place to go, the people dying and cringing and-

"THAT WAY, BROTHER!" Thor's declaration was followed by him slapping a map of LA on the dashboard. "THAT WAY TO THE INN!"

"Thor, keep your voice down!" Loki scolded, trying to avoid eye contact with other people at the stoplight.

Which was difficult. Because everyone was looking at them. Since Thor had decided to stand up and point every turn out to Loki while letting his hair blow in the wind.

The freshly stolen black Mustang convertible hummed underneath them. Loki gripped onto the wheel and waited for the light to turn green, glaring at the red light with seething hatred. He learned how to drive very easily. Petty mortal things, cars.

Finally, the green light glinted down at them, and Loki gunned the engine. Such an action made Thor topple into the backseat, which gave Loki an immense feeling of satisfaction when he turned sharply and Thor crumpled into the door.

Loki finally pulled up to the hotel that Thor directed, unbuckled himself, and slickly got out of the vehicle, keeping every ounce of his dignity in tact.

Thor scrambled to find the door handle.

"Brother, help! I have been trapped in this contraption! I have no way to get out!" Thor wailed. Loki rotated back to look at him. Thor. Sitting in a convertible. With the hood down. So Loki turned back around and headed into the suave hotel. Eventually, Thor figured it out and 'escaped' the car to join him.

The two immediately went up to the front counter, royal apparel and all, to confront the woman at the desk. She looked over her horn-rimmed spectacles at them, before snatching the glasses off completely.

"We would like a room!" Thor smiled broadly.

"Yes, well. One room or two?" She asked. Loki was picking at the finish on the counter. Thor could handle this by himself.

"One! Loki and I have no problems sharing a room." Thor's broad grin remained plastered to his face. If Loki hadn't zoned out completely, he would have put up a mighty protest.

"Are you two in a domestic relationship or something?" The lady typed at her computer. The question perked Loki's attention back. He was just about to negate all of her suspicions warmly, but apparently Thor thought he knew what 'domestic relationship' meant.

"Oh, yes! We are most certainly in a domestic relationship!" Thor's voice carried over everyone else's in the lobby.

"Thor!" Loki snapped, eyes wide. "No!"

The woman only went back to typing up their reservations. "That'll be 400 dollars..." She eyed their wardrobe warily.

"I think you meant 'free'." Loki threatened.

"Did I SAY 'free'?" She snapped back. The bowl of mints on the counter was preoccupying Thor.

"Listen, you filthy mortal female, I haven't the time to deal with your impertinence! I'm dealing with enough right now, and the last thing I require is you getting in my way!" All eyes were now fixated on Loki and the receptionist, who were having a very heated verbal battle. Verbal battles were fun to listen to.

"It's 400 dollars, slick! You give me the money, and I'll get out of your way!"

But Loki was sick of it. So, without really thinking much, he pulled an ornate dagger from a strap on his thigh and plunged it deeply into the woman's chest. She coughed a little and then collapsed onto the counter.

Thor was still with the mints.

It only took Loki a moment of rational thinking to realize that the entire wad of humans in the room was watching Loki in terror. They were clinging onto anything nearby: couches, walls, drapes. He kept their eye contact for a moment, realizing what he'd just done.

"Oh, no. Oh, no, she's fine!" Loki stuttered, putting on a smooth smile. "It's fake, see?" He yanked the very-not-fake blade back and wiped it on his Asgardian jacket. But the horror of the civilians stayed at a high. "She's just resting her eyes, that's all. Just... just, no one come over here for some time." And with that, Loki grabbed a few mints and lured Thor to their hotel room (s)(no domestic relationship for Loki, thank you very much) with the small candies.

**xXxXx**

"So, I've made a discovery." Loki scratched his chin. "I want to go back. Right now. Never thought I would say it, but I want to return to Asgard."

"Brother, what say you of these?" Thor, who had been thoroughly examining the men's boxers for quite some time, finally chose one for Loki to see. He held out the hanger proudly.

The Green Lantern's Lantern was printed brightly on the crotch.

"No." Loki immediately denied and looked away. Looking at underwear held by Thor made him... squeamish. Very squeamish. "The avid Marvel-comic-readers would hate you for an eternity."

_The fourth wall_, Loki thought, _To hell with it._

"Ah, you bring up a fair point. Your wisdom is remarkable, brother." Thor placed the shameful boxers back on the rack. Loki raised an eyebrow.

_Can't argue with that._

The entire place stank of supermarket. Beeping from the intercom happened almost every ten minutes (and every time, Thor would look up at the ceiling in a horrified daze), and Thor continued to insist that Loki try something on in the dressing rooms.

Loki flicked through a row of underwear. "Thor, none of this will fit us. Well." Loki smiled mischievously. "None of it will fit ME, at least."

"Are you implying something of sketchy nature?" Thor's eyes peeked up over the rack.

"Me? Implying innuendos? Psh..." Loki went back to flicking through the clothes. "Never..." Thor's eyes disappeared. And in that very strange silence between them, when Odinson was off talking to himself and brushing his fingers over the many rows of briefs, Loki made a soul-crushing, spine-tingling realization.

What the crap was he DOING here? Had he really dropped so low that there wasn't any place to go but to Wal Mart with his (not even blood-related) brother? To purchase underwear?

"I wasn't always such a desperate freak, you know." Loki turned to a small boy, around the age of 7, who stared up at Loki and gripped onto the sucker in his mouth. "There was a time when I actually cared about my pride."

"Loki!" Thor called.

"What?" Loki called back. "Thor, I am having a MOMENT! Can't it wait?"

"Absolutely not!" Thor's voice responded amid the sea of apparel.

"Well what is it?"

By now, the small boy was trying to back away slowly without Loki realizing it. He bumped into a hanger accidentally, Loki flipped around to glare at him, and then the kid sprinted for his life.

"Nevermind, if you'd like to continue with whatever moment you were having, this can wait." Thor said after a pause. Loki's palm made contact with his face.

"It's too late! 'The moment' just ran away screaming into the frozen dairy isle!"

"So then you wouldn't mind coming over here?"

"You know what? Whatever. My pride has already cascaded over the floor, why not spread it around a little? Step on it, maybe?" Loki 'thunked' his head into a display stand. Even his sarcasm was starting to go dry.

_Not my sarcasm_, Loki begged, _anything but my sarcasm._

"That's the spirit!" Thor's fist pumped into the air.

He really was as dull as a fly.

"Now come on over here and try these on!" Loki couldn't believe that he was moving toward the sound of Thor's voice to succumb to the dressing rooms.

Like life was saying, "_Okay, Loki. You can keep your sarcasm. But say goodbye to your dignity. It's being tossed into the inferno_."

**xXxXxXx**

"None of these fit, Thor! I told you! Mortal markets like these have nothing for a God!" Loki's whiny, angry, frustrated voice emanated from the stall in the dressing rooms.

"Well, would you like me to come in there to assist you, Loki?" Thor thought his offer was gracious.

There was a dead silence from Loki. A dead, festering silence. A dead, festering silence that gave Thor the exact answer he knew was coming at him.

"Right." Thor sat back on the bench. "That was a stupid question. My apologies."

Loki would rather have his nostrils sewn closed than have Thor witness him almost-naked. But it was now official: Loki was a pansy. He was now a pansy. All those nights he had made fun of Hawkeye being the ultimate "purple pansy" and now he himself had joined the ranks.

Did he get a badge or something? When was someone going to run up to him and shake his hand?

Hopefully not NOW. Loki was slipping out of a pair of boxers to try on another. He didn't need anyone approaching him right now, while he was undressi-

"BROTHER!" Thor pounded against the door and Loki screamed, tumbling back onto the bench that was nailed into the ground. He clenched his robes up to his bare chest and tried to steady his breathing.

He wished his suit wasn't one piece. It felt ridiculous to undress completely to try on underwear. The fangirls wouldn't complain, though.

(The fourth wall; to hell with it)

"WHAT IS IT, THOR?" Loki's chest contracted angrily when he yelled. He looked down at his skin. Was he really that pale...?

"The representatives of Wal Mart have told us that we must purchase our items quickly or they will throw us out!" Thor snorted. "They cannot throw a God out! I don't think they could even pick me up! Do not worry, Loki, I will swing Mjolnir at them and we can continue our shopping! They will not ruin our family bonding like that..." Thor's voice trailed away slowly as he stomped off to wreak havoc.

"No! No, Thor don't do that! I'm coming out, just hang on a moment!" Loki cursed horrible things to himself as he got all strapped back up in his Asgard casual wear. He burst out of the dressing room and looked around to locate Thor before he leveled the Wal Mart to dust. But before he could turn to run, another man ran up to him, exhausted from running so far, and gripped Loki's right hand warmly in his own.

"Congratulations on becoming a pansy!" The man panted. Loki returned the handshake with confusion, and then the man rushed off to go congratulate someone else.

"Weird things are happening, Loki." He mumbled to himself. "Really weird things."

**xXxXx**

Loki scratched his nose. Thor coughed. There wasn't anything to say. Jazz music, much like something you would hear in an elevator, was humming gently through the air. Definitely strange to see two Gods standing in a Wal Mart checkout line. The lady at the register, a girl in her 20's with her fire-red hair pinned up, kept her eyes glued on Loki and Thor. She snapped her gum, watching Loki keep one hand to his face as Thor examined each package of candy.

And the jazz music kept on playing.

Loki sighed, leaning up against the side of the conveyor belt.

Thor poked him in the side randomly, making Loki jump viciously, and then continued picking over the candies when Loki gave him a look of confusion. Finally, FINALLY, it was their turn at checkout. The 20-year-old looked at the two pairs of underwear on the belt, and then up at Loki with a raised eyebrow.

"Those were the only ones that came close to fitting." Loki's embarrassment spilled out of his voice when he gestured at the Superman boxers. "I swear, I would have just gotten something plain, but…"

Thor slid up next to Loki smoothly, pointed at the Hello Kitty briefs, and declared to the world, "THOSE ARE MINE!" Loki groaned and looked up at the lady again.

"He's not with me." Loki mumbled. "He followed me in here. I don't know who he is."

Thor pointed at Loki. "THAT'S MY BROTHER!"

"Oh, sweet mercy." Loki slammed his head into the check-writing platform. "When will the humiliation end?" Then he looked up and cried out, "ARE YOU DONE, NOW, UNIVERSE? Can you stop punishing me? Is this Karma? Is that what it is?"

"Loki," Thor set one giant hand on Loki's shoulder, which he looked at with detest. "Lower your voice, brother. Honestly." Thor was now controlled, his posture better, his eyes not crazy. Well, less crazy. That was when Loki noticed the man behind them in line was recording the entire thing on his mobile phone. He snapped it away once Loki made eye contact with him.

"Damn Midgard."

And the jazz music contined to play.

**xXxXxXx**

**MEANWHILE…**

Steve was still all fancied up in his Captain America apparel. Fresh off a minor mission with the Avengers. The little, tiny scratches on his face were still healing up. He waltzed into the Wal-Mart building and selected the best hand basket out of the bunch. At least, the one that didn't have loose papers and such in it.

There were a lot of those at Wal Mart. Along with people who were too lazy to put their carts away. After Steve learned how to drive, he made it a goal to see how many of them he could hit with his car as he parked. (The carts, not the people. Captain America is too good to kill anyone).

He whistled along as he walked through the entrance way, swinging his basket around (but making sure not to hit anyone with it). He froze mid-step when he saw who was standing at the checkout.

Loki – looking particularly ashamed (who knew his face could go so red?) – and Thor, who was staring blankly at the wall.

Steve whipped out his cellular phone and tried to remember how to use it in order to call someone. Then he held it up to his ear and cowered away in the corner so Loki didn't see him. If Loki saw him, Steve might have gotten nuked.

"Yeah, yeah, Tony?" Steve looked around for another peek at the Gods. "You would not BELIEVE who's buying underwear at Wally world right now…"

**xXxXxXx**

Sunset. Sunset was one thing that was okay about earth, Loki decided. He sometimes, when he was visiting to enslave people, would stop to gaze thoughtfully at the different colors. Maybe shoot a few romantic couples who stayed out too late. Those were some of his best nights.

Not tonight.

Loki stayed tucked into the hotel bed, and stared blankly up at the ceiling. Nice designs up on the ceiling. Pathetic mortal designs, but still –

Thor clambered into the king-sized bed on the opposite side of Loki. The mattress squeaked under his mass as Thor shifted around to snuggle into the blankets. Loki squeaked with them. They had only ordered one room, after all.

Loki turned over on his side so he didn't have to look at his brother, and then reached out to click out the lamp. Darkness plunged over them. Loki drew his hand back into the blanket and exhaled panickedly.

"Goodnight, Loki." Thor's rumbling voice muttered in the still air.

"And to you, Thor." Loki whispered back.

There was a long pause.

"Loki?"

"What, Thor?"

"I love you."

And at that, Loki clicked the light back on and climbed out of the bed, taking his pillow and a spare blanket with him. Thor watched with confusion as Loki crossed the room.

"Loki, where are you going?" Thor asked, rubbing one eye and sitting up on his elbows.

Loki stood in the bathroom doorway, turned around, and hissed, "To sleep in the bathroom, you foul beast." Then he slicked back a piece of stray hair and slammed the door. It locked with a click.

"I still love you, Loki."

It locked again.


	2. From the Bottom of All My Organs

**READERS! YOU AMAZING FELLOW READERS! And also fellow writers! **

I wanted to thank you all from the bottom of my heart! Not JUST my heart, either, the bottom of ALL my organs! I can't believe how much you all liked my first One-Shot. It was really cracky, but that'sa how I like it, I suppose. Anyway! Massive thank you from me! To all who reviewed, all who favorited! That means the world!

And because of that, I would like to inform you that this has inspired me to write more ridiculous crack fics. A lot more. Be expecting it. Because it's coming.

Oh, yes, the crackfics are coming.

You all deserve a giftbasket with lotion in it. But I'm super broke. So you'll have to pretend.

**LOTS of love,**

**PhantomHeiress**


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